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Transparency and Intimacy

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Ephesians 4:25
Transparency and Intimacy Book Cover

from tapas to thanksgiving

Five-year-old Nate Seltzer from Stratford, Connecticut is such a geography whiz that he has appeared on national television several times. On one visit to the studio, the TV host showed him a street map. “Where is this,” she asked?

“Chicago,” he said.

“How did you know?”

Nate leaned toward her ear and cupped his hand in front of his mouth. “Because I accidentally peeked.”

Now, this is a child who knows the flags of The Gambia and the Republic of the Maldives. He could have shrugged off her question and the audience would have been none the wiser. Instead, he simply admitted his mistake. Doesn’t his honesty endear him to us? Transparency does that. It builds a footbridge across the gap from stranger to friend. At a time in history when we can erase wrinkles with a photo filter and serve up the highlight reel of our lives like tasty tapas, getting real with our friends is the difference between feigning to be like Jesus and really following him.


Children are skilled interrogators. With curious eyes, they look deep into ours and ask us everything from how much we weigh to how old we are, with zest—and zero regard for propriety. They ask at the Thanksgiving Day table and on Thursdays. If we aren’t prepared, we stammer for a response. As friends who desire to be like Jesus, we must learn the art of asking—and answering—good questions with sincerity and sensitivity if we want meaningful friendships.

Jesus’ question game today would warrant a Hall of Fame induction. Consider some of the questions he asked:

  • And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
  • Who do people say that the Son of Man is?
  • Why do you question in your hearts?
  • If you’re not honest in small jobs, who will put you in charge of the store?
  • How do you expect to get anywhere with God when you spend all your time jockeying for position with each other, ranking your rivals and ignoring God?

Ouch. With his questions, Jesus, who was the Word, pierced like a two-edged sword. Where we placate, Jesus pursues. Where we conceal, Jesus cuts to the chase. He pushes past pretense. How’s your anxiety? he asks. Yeah? What about your faith? Integrity at work? Envy, jealousy? Lobbing such questions at our friends may feel like emotional grenades. If we want to reflect Jesus in our friendships, however, we need to risk potential conflicts and pose questions with courage—always keeping in mind the purpose: to know each other better and to build each other up in Christ.

...and answer

We’re at the sushi counter. The waiter asks how we are. “Good,” we say (or, if we’re extroverted, “Great!”). This light exchange of pleasantries is appropriate among strangers, but is merely an appetizer on the menu of conversation between friends. It’s a starter, not the main course. It’s one thing to ask questions with courage, and another to answer them so. But if we long to relax around our friends and experience God’s grace and mercy through them, we need to crank open windows of our hearts we would rather shutter. Colossians 3:9 is straight-forward enough in its command: “And stop lying to each other. You have given up your old way of life with its habits (CEV).” Only Jesus can help us stop lying—to him, to ourselves, and to each other. Only he can help us relish the two ingredients of friendship we crave most: transparency and intimacy. To taste these, we must ask hard questions of our friends—and answer theirs—on Thanksgiving Day and Thursdays, and all days in between.


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Daily Question

How would your friendships be different with, or without, the qualities of transparency and intimacy? What questions do you want to ask a friend this week for the sake of knowing her, yourself, and Jesus better?

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Comments (5)

My friendships are definitely different with the qualities of transparency and intimacy because they connect us more. Knowing that I am able to be complete honest and vulnerable with certain friends, allows me to completely open up and feel free to be who I truly am….even in the bad times. This then allows them to feel comfortable to do the same. We then are able to grow a deeper connection to not only ourselves but each other. We learn more about one another and ourselves. We are able to understand different layers of one another and although we may not be identical we can respect one another’s similarities and differences. Because of these qualities, you grow to love one another and work with one another like a team. When one person is weak, the other can lift you up and eventually you can give that gift back. Its a great flow and balance. To be able to open up to a true friend makes you know that you are loved no matter what and you have a team backing you up no matter what….you are in this to the end….fighting this battle. It is so nice to know you are not alone.

This week I can check on a friend and see how she is continuing to deal with the loss of a very close loved one. It has been some time since they lost this person, and life is crazy right now, so I just want to make sure she doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. I want her to know I am here and that we can talk about memories or how she is feeling. I want to open that door more specifically instead of asking just a general: "how are you doing?" question. I want to get to the root of it and really let her know that I am thinking and praying for her.

I wonder how I am known and what misperceptions people have. I wonder what I do that makes me safe or unsafe for transparency . We are so busy, we frequently don’t really know each other.

I want to ask my friends how they have been in keeping God as centre during COVID. It’s been tough for me. That’s for sure. I want that discussion and support and encouragement. And I rarely talk about God with my close friends even. A couple of them are not Christian and so I aim to be more transparent in sharing that huge part of me, and diving deeper into the Christian friendships I do want to cultivate.

Fake without transparency; would seem to me to be lies. How have you leaned into God during this pandemic? What suggestions do you have to help others stay focused on God and not the world?

With the different friendships that I have with different friends.I would ask the same question to all of them.It would be,What are your goals in life and for the future?
I am thankful for the transparency and intimacy in my friendships. Without them I feel like we wouldn’t really understand each other or connect better.
The question that I ask is to get to know the other person,their views on life and Jesus.
I feel being open and honest with people is the best and in return people/friends will be open and honest back

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